I Need Jacob Misorowski To Please Be Careful!

I have become an anxious mother, and I have adopted Jacob Misorowski as my son. I don’t know how this happened, and I would like it to stop, because it’s taking a toll on me. Life used to be so simple. I used to watch his outings with a detached amazement. Back when I had a normal relationship to his pitching prowess, Misiorowski had already thrown 79 of the 100 highest-velocity pitches since tracking began. As of last night, he holds all 100 spots. Now he is my son, and let me be the first to say, it is really difficult being a parent to a child who you have never met and who is also older than you. I am so proud of and so worried for my boy. 

I spent last night in a cold sweat as I fought off the urge to join Facebook, just so I could tell everyone how wonderful and successful my beautiful son is. They must know how impressive his outing was, I whispered to myself as I clawed at the drawer where my husband (wait, when did I get a husband?) had locked away my laptop. They must know that he broke his own record for most 100-mph pitches in a game. He threw 66 fastballs, and every single one of them was more than 100 miles per hour. I frantically searched for the key. They have to know that only three were hit hard and into fair territory, and that Jakey struck out 12 batters, including seven in a row to begin the game. I took a hammer to the wood. But I can’t let it slip that he was pitching against the Rockies. Susan from knitting club would have a field day with that. As if HER kids have 185 strikeouts and a 1.58 ERA!

Speaking about the history he had once again made, Mis said, “I had no idea. I’m just throwing to Gary.” My humble boy! Someone has to brag about him if he won’t. Maybe I should send Susan that video.